-It sucks
Mr. Joe says: "Not very funny, kind of loud. sucks."
Here at Film Gravy you will find all you will ever need to know about movies. You will never have to worry about seeing a bad film because we will tell you what sucks, and we will tell you what doesn't suck. New or old, we got you covered. xoxoxox PS:If Jackie Chan is in it, we definitely got you covered
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
**200th Review** Raising Arizona - 1987
-Nicholas Cage really isn't as bad as everyone seems to tell me, and people who don't appreciate him haven't seen Raising Arizona. This movie is like an apple pie from Mcdonalds, it's always nice to eat a Mcdonalds Apple Pie just as it is always nice to lay down, relax and watch Raising Arizona. If you don't know anything about this movie let me elaborate (I mean this is the 200th review and all) Nice guy Cage is a Liquor store robber who can't seem to keep himself out of Jail, where he meets cop woman, then they well you know, but want baby, and well, you should just rent this one and watch it, Its by those two idiot Coen brothers who made a couple good movies and everyone wants sex with them, anyway This one is great, don't be foolish.
-Well I hope you enjoyed the 200th review, What a let down huh? well I have a story, I was once flying home on an airplane and I was very depressed and noticeably anxious, A strange woman I was sitting next to decided to strike a conversation up with me (later I realized that I think she was distracting me from the Hell of flying on an airplane) After I confided in a complete strange, She said, "Relax, Part of growing up is letting people down"
-Well isn't that something? Good Advice right? I think, I live by that now.
-Long live Filmgravy! see you at the 300th review special
Mr. Joe
click here for a fan video of a great scene from Raising Arizona
Thursday, September 29, 2011
One Fine Day - 1996
-Oh shut up, you know you love this movie.
Mr. Joe says: "It's rainy and romantic, just like me"
Zookeeper - 2011
-I don't care what anyone says, Kevin James is in it, so I give it an "A" it would have gotten an "A+" if it had Brendan Fraser and Sinbad costarring, but hold it there, that one I'll save for my dreams.
Mr. Joe says: "Animals talk, and Adam Sandler is annoying as shit, but hey, at least we don't have to see his face."
Toy Story 2 - 1999
-Now don't get me wrong Toy Story and Toy Story 3 are amazing, but Toy Story 2 is the best in my opinion. It has the best villain it introduced the superstars like Jesse! well Jesse is a little annoying but she's good and Buzz needed some loving. It looks perfect, and the nice thing about this movie is that it moves right along, 1 and 3 do that as well but I get too anxious watching 1 and 3 doesn't have Nedry from Jurassic Park. If you don't believe me watch all 3 again because you have no life and you will like this one best. That touch up seen is too good ( I know everybody loves that part but that's alright)
Mr. joe says: "I've resorted to reviewing Pixar movies... that's lame. is it? I don't know. did I do one before?"
The School of Rock - 2003
- Jack Black's best film. As soon as I left the theater I immediately wanted to see this film again. And after it came out on DVD I watched that bad boy till it was scratched beyond playability. It's very rare for a comedy (especially with all the complete shit coming out these days) to be actually funny. Jack Black was born to be this fat rockstar school teacher, it has everything you would want really. It could have gone horribly cheese-fantasy (if you know what I mean) but they pulled it off and I'm sure this bad boy will be considered a classic and will be studied at Harvard Film school by assholes.
Mr. Joe Says: " The kids are great, Jack Block (I like to say Block instead of Black) was great. Its just great. yeah. Im sure you've seen this and agree."
Real Life - 1979
- I didn't know what this was going to be all about but I sure enjoyed this one Maaa Yeahaaw! I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that. Albert Brooks plays himself and he is trying to make a movie about a real regular family and he is really egocentric and it's kind of like a documentary but not, so I guess a Mockumentary but not really that either. It was great tho and I chuckled my little heart out. If you like Albert Brooks (like I pretend too, and act like I knew about him since before a month ago) then you will like this one. If you haven't seen his stuff, don't worry it's ok, but its really good.
Mr. Joe Says: "these reviews are getting a little creepy I feel?"
Father of the Bride - 1991
- I enjoyed myself as I watched this film (no dirtyness intended) But you know, there's really a sense of fake plastic and I rented this thinking it was a documentary but boy was I wrong, these are actors! (I didn't really think it was a documentary, what are you? stupid?!) Well pick this up if you need your heart warmed up. More intended for "The Classic Rich Family of Losers" you know the type.
-Mr. Joe Says: "We're almost to 200 reviews, I better keep cranking these crack pots out. Oh and If Steve Martin is in it, your chances are that it will be a great movie, actually on second thought Steve's been in some real shit, (and I'm not talking about Bringing Down the House, that shit was of da hook)
Jurassic Park 3 - 2001
-Clearly the weakest of the 3 films but still is exciting. If anybody tells you this is there favorite one, they are liars and full of shit. If you can manage to not compare 3 to Lost World or the original classic and just have fun, you will see that this move is great. I like that they got Grant back so we had at least one person that we didn't want eaten alive. I do not like the Spinosaurus or whatever made up shit dinosaur that was. I don't care if it's real or not, I just took it personally when he takes down T Rex. Well anyway, if you like the first two this one will fill your dino hunger.
Mr. Joe says: " I want then to make a 4th so incredibly bad, I hope Spielberg is reading this, I'm sure he is. I'm sure he cares what I think"
What Women Want - 2000
-What Women Want is what I imagine girls would want out of a movie. It has a hot beefy Gibson and Helen Hunt. I feel women like Helen Hunt more then guys? Do woman think of her as a god? Is this true? oh who cares. Overall this movie dragged and I was bored as usual.
Mr. Joe says: "did I already review this movie? Oh who cares."
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Easy Rider - 1969
-Now you can easily tell that this film was made by an angry stoned Hopper, but it's ok and the soundtrack alone gives it and A. I don't understand why I love this movie as much as I do but I'm pretty sure it's the feeling of wanting to be on the road with them and not having to wake up for your shitty job/life.
-Mr. Joe says: "Follow two gay guys on a motorbike trip, sounds good? well yes"
How to Lose Friends and Alienate People - 2008
-To be fair I fell asleep in the middle of this movie, but to be even more fair, the movie is the one that put me to sleep. At a glance it looks like this movie could be nothing but great, I mean Megan Fox is in it! and she is amazing right? Well in case you are confused, she isn't that great and I was more interested in Simon Pegg and Jeff Bridges. To make a long review short. This movie was weird and not very funny. I couldn't put my finger on it, I laughed a couple times but I laugh all the time, in fact im laughing right now.
-Mr. Joe says: " Don't watch this one, it isn't worth your time. Watch Star Wars or build legos or whatever losers do"
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Lost in America - 1985
-I love this movie. Never have I felt so Happy, then Depressed, then so Satisfied with a film other than Shrek 2 (kidding, Shrek and all of the sequels are shit, I hate Shrek) Albert Brooks plays some guy who is screwed at work and he decides to drop out of this sick and twisted society and hit the road with his wife in a Motor home. That's all I'll say, you should really watch this (nobody even reads these)
-Mr. Joe Says: " You will laugh and love it, Trust me"
Super 8 - 2011
-Finally there is a movie that is pretty fun to watch, I'm talking about Zookeeper but Super 8 is pretty fun as well. I didn't really like the Aliens, some of it didn't make sense to me (I must have missed some of the film when I went to the bathroom five times, just kidding) but if you watch it again you will see that you are meant to let it go and enjoy the ride (yeah that sounds right) I was more interested in the movie the kids were making.
Mr. Joe says- "It's a goody, the kids were excellent"
Vanishing Point - 1971
- Hyped up on Speed, literally. A man is chased by pigs through the desert as he tries to get to San Francisco. This is a very strange movie but it was pretty good, I think, I don't know... I mean I guess I liked it.
Mr. Joe says: "He just driving and driving. I'm depressed"
Monday, August 15, 2011
Wrongfully Accused - 1998
-This movie is exactly what it looks like. Just one long spoof on a ton of movies, mainly The Fugitive. Now normally I am not too into these kind of movies with Leslie Nielson, but than again I like these idiot films sometimes, its good to mix some of these shit movies in with the classics. Well anyway, this movie is actually pretty hilarious, once you understand that this movie is completely retarded.
-Mr. Joe says: "you will especially enjoy this one if you get all the movie references, and since I know everything about everything, I really liked this one. Recommend that you watch the Fugitive before you watch this one, that movie is amazing"
Rambo - 2008
-The only Rambo really worth watching is First Blood. This one was pretty great for action, but I just felt a little sick watching it, and after you feel really dirty. It had exploding heads, heads getting chopped off, people getting stabbed multiple times, but it wasn't fun like the 80's movie gore. This was just kind of gross. But if you are in the mood for straight up action this one is for you. I also hated the mercenaries, they really cheaped out on the actors.
-Mr. Joe says: "If you are into realistic gore aka "a sick bastard" you will like this. But as for me, I'm going to watch Sleepless in Seattle for the 4th time this week"
Catch 22 - 1970
- I had pretty high hopes for this movie. It's a dark comedy set during World War 2, and it has some pretty great actors in it. But well to make this short, this movie isn't very funny and it really sucks. It starts off okay and then you just want it over. It's boring. Not a good war movie, not a funny comedy.
-Mr. Joe Says: "this is stupid, no wonder nobody ever talks about this movie"
Monday, August 8, 2011
Boys - 1996
-Now if you want to watch something that is like a bad dream, Boys is for you. Everyone in this movie acts so weird. Winona Ryder (super Fox) is found by these boys from a boys school and all Lukas Haas wants to do is get her naked but keeps getting interrupted by his idiot friends, just kidding but he secretly is trying to get her naked. Well John C. Riley is also in this... I don't think I would even watch this movie tho if Ryder wasn't in it. SO if you are sick like me, then you will probably like this one. It has some great quotes and scenes. (not really but, some scenes are pretty stupid as hell)
Mr. Joe Says: "Everyone just acts so weird, Winonangel"
Friday, August 5, 2011
Rise of The Planet of The Apes - 2011
-I am a huge fan of the whole series and I am very happy with this new addition. It has humor and it has action-packed madness. The Special effects are very mind blowing (not that it really matters all that much, but wow) and you really love that fearless chimp leader. I also loved all the old skool throwbacks from the early films. I just enjoyed myself throughout the entire movie. I was worried it would be too serious, or be too cheesy, but it really managed to walk that tight rope. It even had that little asshole Malfoy from HP in it (I guess that guy was born to play a Dick Head in Hollywood) James Franco is still a cute little bitch, and the only thing I didn't like about this movie was the girlfriend. She kind of sucked.
-Mr. Joe says: "Probably the best film of the year, maybe even the best film of the last 5 years. I am a little biased because I just love apes."
The Thing - 1982
-What in the F***, amazing
-Mr. Joe Says: "Kurt Russell is hairier than ever"
Thursday, August 4, 2011
My Blueberry Nights - 2007
-There are two things you should never do. You should never listen to Ska music and you should never ever watch My Blueberry Nights. I could not even finish it. I wanted to kill myself. It sucks, I think this is the worst movie ever made.
Mr. Joe Says: "Worst piece of shit ever, what was with the blurred slow motion? whoever made this film is an idiot."
The Scout - 1994
-Now the Scout isn't for everyone, No, I mean yes this movie is for everyone. Albert Brooks is a stressed out loveable loser who is sent to... I don't remember Ecuador or I dont know, somewhere in south America, to find the next big baseball star, so he meets Fraser and he's great and all, but he is also psychotic, just how Fraser is in real life. well anyways this movie is one of those anytime movies and you watch them and you think wow, I love this movie but you know it kind of sucks a little. Fraser is just amazing in this.
-Mr. Joe says: " The Scout, yeah watch it if you want"
Cowboys & Aliens - 2011
-With a name like that I was expecting at least something fun. But instead I was bored and wondering about other things like "I wonder if the new Planet of the Apes will be any good, it probably wont but I am still gonna see it." Or "would it be funny if I got completely naked in this theater right now?" Well I didn't like this movie at all really, I hated everyone in it, and the OC girl isn't that good looking and who really cares about Daniel Craig, And Harrison Ford hasn't been in anything good since The Jerk, that was him right? he is in the Jerk, that's a Harrison Ford film Right? With all my hilarious banter aside. Let's cut to the chase, This movie is shit. Not the Shit, just plain Shit.
Mr. Joe Says: "The aliens didn't even look cool at all, everything was wrong, I don't know why I even go to the theater anymore"
Monday, July 25, 2011
Detroit Rock City - 1999
-It's always refreshing when I find a movie that is actually funny, and I'm talking laugh out loud baby. There are so many movies that claim to be funny but are not funny at all (pineapple express, Crash, shitty films like that) This film is nothing like those ones and I don't know why I even mentioned them, please forgive me, and lets move on. Detroit Rock City is amazing in every way, I love everyone in this film. I can't believe it came out in 1999. Even if you don't like KISS you will like this movie, and remember that nobody likes KISS.
Mr. Joe Says: "One of the funniest movies I have ever seen, and the soundtrack alone will take your breath away."
Vertigo - 1958
- I think I could have really liked this movie... If it wasn't so fucking boring. If you can get past the 3 hour montage of James Stewart stalking Kim Novak, the movie is pretty good. It's got twists or whatever, who cares.
Mr. Joe Says: " The end of this movie frightened me, but really not as great as everyone says it is, watch North by Northwest or Psycho. Psycho is as good as everyone says."
Midnight Cowboy - 1969
-Joe Buck sets out for New York to become a Hustler.
-Mr. Joe Says: "The greatest film ever made"
Aliens - 1986
-It's like Avatar but without all the gay bullshit.
Mr. Joe says: "I have a vague memory of watching the first Alien and thinking it was boring as hell. This one was not, this one is action packed, It could have done without the little girl, but I guess it was fine. It's always nice to see people get torn in half in movies.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Something's Gotta Give - 2003
-I must have been an old single lady in a past life, that or I am flaming gay, because I really enjoyed watching this movie and I think buying this movie for 2.70 was the greatest decision I have ever made. What a steal right? 2.70? Well this movie is really for older women, older rich, sexy woman. But It's actually pretty great for everyone, it's one of those really clean movies, like everyone and everything in the film is shiny and clean and glowing. It has an all-Star cast of... well who cares about the others, Keanu Reeves is in this.
-Mr. Joe Says: "It's like that other one by her, It's COmplicated, but I will say that this got a B, and the other one got a B- but I liked the other one more. It's complicated was great on second thought. Oh and expect extreme nudity"
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Defending Your Life - 1991
- Albert Brooks dies and goes to Judgement City to Defend his life. While there he meets a young sexy Meryl Streep and well I'm sure you can guess the rest. Well this movie is great, Albert Brooks needs to be in every movie, Albert Brooks and Sinbad should be in everything, then everything wouldn't suck so bad. Meryl Streep makes you feel very warm and fuzzy like rubbing a warm teddy bear all over your body. Excuse me
Mr. Joe Says: "If you want to feel good and not depressed, you should watch this movie"
Monday, July 11, 2011
The Mummy Returns - 2001
-I used to think this movie was better than the first Mummy back when I saw it for my friends 11th birthday party. But I was 11 and an idiot, watching it now, I can see that it is pretty much the Mummy but with more special effects and The Rock. I was also a huge wrestling fan back in 2001, so maybe I loved that the rock is in this, but now I don't really like it at all, I wish he wasn't here, and I wish he wasn't a computerized scorpion. And what was up with the story? pretty stupid, but I have seen way worse, at least that one girls ass is hot. The third one they made didn't even have that! they replaced the girl with Jet Li, that is just gross. Mummy Returns is pretty action packed, its good, I will hold this movie special... whatever
Mr. Joe Says: "The Mummy Returns, but nobody cares as much (well that was weird wasn't it?)"
Sunday, July 10, 2011
First Blood - 1982
-Where has this film been my whole life?? I was never into the whole Rambo scene for some reason but I finally watched the First Blood and i think it's incredible. I can't wait to watch Part 2 (wow Im a loser) John Rambo is a Vietnam Vet who is a killing machine, after some jackass cop bothers him, one thing leads to another and there is an all out war in this little town. I loved it from start to finish, what an awesome action movie. I'm ashamed that I didn't watch this when I was 12, It would have blown my fragile mind.
-Mr. Joe Says: " Not a dull moment in this film, It's pretty much Rocky but with a machine gun and a huge Knife, I was a little disappointing that more people weren't killed in this movie but I hear the next one has more than enough kills"
It's Complicated - 2009
-Now I know that this movie looks real bad, and I used to hate Alec Baldwin more then anything. But I have grown and i saw some of that movie The Edge and after seeing this I kind of like him in all his greasy glory. There is something about this movie that makes you kind of at ease and you just can't really stop watching it. Yeah it's for old lesbian women, but hey that's almost every movie in the theater right now. Steve Martin was great, Meryl streep is like the rich mother you wish you had, and Alec Baldwin is actually pretty funny. I can't really explain it but this movie is a good time.
Mr. Joe Says: "I must be gay"
The Family Man - 2000
-What was I thinking when I bought this movie without watching it first? Am I an idiot? sadly yes. but I only paid 3 dollars for it so oh well. This film is not Excellent, in fact this movie is pretty damn far from excellent, it really really sucks. I thought at least it would be kind of funny and Cage would act really weird and i would enjoy it on a sick level. But when a movie is this slow, I just pray for it to end. By the way the person who said it was excellent was the UPN channel which is long gone, and nobody should listen to anything UPN says.
-Mr. Joe Says: " Another piece of shit I bought from the Mall"
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Kelly's Heroes - 1970
-This movie was great, it had guns, killing, explosions, comedy, and gold. The classic ingredients of a great film. The sutherland beard boy is really groovy.
-Mr. Joe Says: "Makes War seem like summer camp"
Bedazzled - 2000
-This is another one I used to rent a lot when I was 11 years old. Elizabeth Hurley is the devil and she is trying to help Brendan Fraser who plays an annoying idiot loser gain respect and be loved by people and some ugly girl he likes. Well anyways he is granted 7 wishes and he keeps making these wishes and they go all crazy and Elizabeth HUrley is just a babe throughtout the film. I don't understand why Brendan Fraser doesn't just get with the Devil, she was much nicer looking then the girl he likes, but oh well.
-Mr. Joe Says: " I feel this movie could have been so much better than it was but don't get me wrong I like this movie even tho it sucks balls, it has some good points, I just hate it in movies when things don't work out..."
Monkeybone - 2001
-Alright this film is just so damn weird. I'm not sure why I rent this every couple of years, but I think that my mind blocks out how incredibly weird this shit is. After watching The Mummy I wanted to re-live some of my favorites from when I was 11 and 12, so I picked up MonkeyBone, and after watching it I felt very alien and dirty. This movie is kind of like BeetleJuice but just missing something, it has some pretty cool moments though. I would check it out just for fun.
-Mr. Joe Says: "This movie is perfect for sick 12 year olds"
The Mummy - 1999
-The Mummy is one of those magical movies that you can't help but just watch all the time. Brendan Fraser at his all time best and dorkiest. It has loads of action and humor, and that's all I really want. And the girl is pretty smoking hot as well. But I will say I have a strong childhood tie to this movie, and I can understand why someone might think this movie sucks, but I say to them that they are stupid assholes.
-Mr. Joe Says: "Make sure to watch this movie with Brendan Fraser Commentary, it is the funniest thing I have ever heard. made me love the movie ten times more. It's like watching it with an old crazy Uncle."
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Appaloosa - 2008
- I don't remember what even happened in this movie because it was so boring I wanted to cry.
-Mr. Joe says: "Ed Harris sucks and bridget jones diary was disgusting and her face was melting off and she turned into a fishfaced monster"
Where Eagles Dare - 1968
-By the end of this movie I really needed a Gatorade because I could literally feel the fire and explosions coming out of my television set. Why isn't this movie playing every night on Turner Classic movies? or maybe it is, I don't have cable. Well anyways don't be fooled into thinking it's older and there won't be enough graphic violence. The cover art really says it all. Just have a Gatorade with you. YOu will need it. And Clint Eastwood and that other guy I've never seen before just keep the kills flowing.
-Mr. Joe Says: "Nazi's die"
Marty - 1955
-This is a movie about a fat old ugly lonely butcher who is one really nice guy. His brothers and sisters have all gotten married but Poor old Marty is alone and hates life. I highly recommend this movie for creeps or lonely people who feel they have it bad and will never find love. Another reason I loved this movie other then it being amazing was that it was 90 minutes long. 90 minutes is perfect. every movie should be 90 minutes long.
-Mr. Joe says: "Be grateful you don't look like Ernest Borgnine"
Friday, June 24, 2011
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides - 2011
- I really don't know much about these pirate movies, and I don't really like pirates all that much, but for some reason I had a good feeling about this one. I'm so glad they got rid of that less hot version of Natalie Portman and that other guy, whatever his name is. Which meant more sexy Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz. ( I can't really write right now, people are hovering around me) Anyways, it was an Ok movie, except for that Religious beefcake-ass hole, and what the hell was up with the mermaide, she grew legs? then she was gonna die, made no sense.
-Mr. Joe Says: " Blow on water"
Cars 2 - 2011
-Pixar's first piece of shit.
-Mr. Joe Says: "laugh at 1 mile per hour for two hours"
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Bonnie and Clyde - 1967
- I wanted to like this movie, does that count for anything? No. All I heard were good things about this film, and I am scared to grade this movie lower than a C because I don't want to look like an idiot. But the real honest truth is that this movie isn't that great and I was bored as hell at some points. And it wasn't that Clyde doesn't do Bonnie at all in the movie, or he does once and you don't even see anything, and it wasn't that annoying old lady, I think I didn't like it because it had no punch or tang. I hope you know what I mean, because I don't.
-Mr. Joe Says: " Maybe I am too stupid to enjoy this one. Or maybe you are an idiot for liking this one. OR maybe you are a real moron for even reading this"
The Green Hornet - 2011
-Now I have said some really mean things about Seth Rogen, and I really thought I hated him. But you know what? I have changed my mind about him, and he isn't so bad. I was expecting Green Hornet to suck so bad and maybe that is why I was surprised at how funny and cool it was. It is not amazing, but it is better than going outside. It was good enough for me to say that Seth Rogen is ok with me ( Until I see that dumbass movie pineapple express again, man that sucks balls). The Asian guy was pretty good to, and an old nasty yet cute Cameron Diaz is in it.
Mr. Joe Says: " I liked it, it would have been better if it was rated R and had more blood and violence, or maybe it wouldn't have been I don't know"
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Paul - 2011
-I really thought this movie was going to be special, or at least really really cool. I liked the beginning but then I slowly just wanted it to be over. Another reason why I might have just thought this movie was whatever was that sitting directly behind me was laughing his ass off right into my ear. Until I got up and moved seats all I could think of was, where does this guy live and with what will I kill him with. And after I moved seats, another guy starts up laughing his mexican lips off... I couldn't believe it, a whole theater full of Assholes, but I should have known because this movie was directed by the guy who made superbad... I don't think I ever want to go to the theater again.
-Mr. Joe says: "forgettable, but I really liked all the Star Wars references"
Jackie Brown - 1997
- I haven't been doing these reviews so much anymore but don't worry I've been packing in the movies, or in this case "Fudge packing" in the movies... I'll go ahead and say that Jackie Brown is great... I don't know what to say in these reviews anymore. I've lost the passion. I am just repeating myself... Just watch this movie if you have nothing to do.
-Mr. Joe Says: "Jackie Brown, fun for the whole family."
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Bandslam - 2009
-I could actually feel my balls shrinking as I watched Bandslam. It also ruined David Bowie for me. This movie did everything it could to be edgy and cool, like getting Vanessa Hudgens and a really really ugly version of Michael Cera. This film is definitely made for 12 year old girls, so I figured I would love it, but this was just a little too gay for me. You just feel bad and embarrassed for everyone who is in this movie. I can't believe David Bowie was in this, but then again he is old and he probably got a ton of cocaine money for doing it... either way he's an idiot now.
Mr. Joe says: "one word to describe bandslam is "GAY" that's really all it is, just so incredibly gay"
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Me, Myself, and Irene - 2000
-I couldn't even watch the whole thing, but whatever.
-Mr. Joe says:" you could go our whole life without watching this piece of crap, I've probably said that before, but this time I really mean it"
There's Something About Mary - 1998
-This could be the best comedy ever made. Perfect movie for losers.
-Mr. Joe Says: "Jonathan Richman is even in this"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)